The Cost of a Wandering Mind
“If you think carefully, I am fully aware of the deep sense of foreboding that something bad is going to happen” , I tell myself over and over again. I clutch the steering harder than ever. “Exit 53 1 mile” the sign loomed large in front of me. Not that I noticed it, going at 70 mph. A Toyoto RAV4 just passed me , leaving my Acura shaking. I glance down and realized that I have dropped to 50 mph during my revere. I pressed down on the accelerator, why I hate to put the car on cruise control is beyond me. I join the sea of red lights that was zooming past me. Just then the entire herd slowed down. Cursing the audi who braked in front of me, I slide on to the lane on my right and zoom past. The butterfly in my stomach has not died down just yet. Why am I feeling like this? I wonder, zooming past a large sign “Food Exit Mc Donalds Dennys Subway”. I wonder if I should stop and take a bite before I get going again.
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Red and blue lights swarm around. I quickly sit up in my seat Stiff. I lick my lips and glance back through my back window. Indeed , the cruiser at my back was blaring the siren and had its lights switched on. I slowed down considerably and hold my breath hoping the cruiser would drive past me. The lights were blinding and the sound incessant.
I pull over to my right on to the shoulder, roll down my window and put both of my hands on the steering wheel, and hope for a miracle.
There is this small voice inside my mind that snickers and says “I warned you!!"
Kids - I love them
I am not good with kids. Trust me when I say it. I have this amazing ability to make even the brightest of babies cry but my simple “baby talk” gestures. At a naming ceremony of my sister’s baby, I was proud that I had become the new aunt. The Proud peacock (yeah, that’s me) strutted around the room gleaming with joy. It was customary time for me to say the baby name in his ears three times.
I went near his ear and called out softly “Rahul”. You won’t believe me when I say that he looked up at me with a fiery gaze and let out this loud cry, bawling his heart out. I didn’t know whether it was my face, or the call or my stance. Tears were freely flowing by his cheeks. My sister quickly came and scooped him in her hands and shushed him. With his face, hanging over her shoulders, Rahul looked at me with mockery which only I could feel. My face had gone red with embarrassment and the laughter in the room was still ringing in my ears. Well you should know that I did complete calling his name amidst the ruckus that he created every time I went near him.
This other time, one of my aunts invited for her grand daughter’s naming ceremony. When the ritualistic time came, I told my aunt that I had a bad cold and that the baby could catch it. As I passed by the crib, I am sure the girl gave me thumbs down sign and put out her tongue mocking me. Well you could say I am imagining things, but only I know what I went through.
There was this, “bring your child to work” day organized by my company. My colleague’s 8 year old son had come along to meet us before heading out for lunch. I had this big project meeting planned and had my papers strewn all over the desk. Just as Jitin came in he waved a big hi to me and smiled. I thought my rotten lady luck is not smiling on me today and went ahead talking to him. Just as he was about to leave, he flipped through this big yellow binder that I had kept for reading out the report at the meeting. When he started to leave, I ran after him asking for the binder.
“Darling, could you please give it to me? Aunty has this big meeting coming up!” (Don’t even talk about the ways I talk to a kid)
“No!”, he crossed the binder across his chest. That can’t be good isn’t it?
“Darling please, take this marker instead, you can draw pictures on my whiteboard. I will show you how to draw a big bird??!” (Oh boy, talk about negotiating skills I learnt)
“No” he said looking squarely in my eye.
“Jitin beta, give aunty the file, you are a good boy right?” Janvi stepped in much to my relief.
“No, No No” he shouted running off with the file.
“Jitin, come back” I shouted back trying to catch up with the boy. I was very close to blowing my top. My lady luck would be very happy seeing my situation.
Janvi who shouted after Jitin, gave a stern warning. He stopped and came back. Janvi gave him a pat on the back and plucked that file from his hands and gave it to me. Jitin started to cry and shouted “I hate you!” as he was dragged towards the door. Janvi mouthed a sorry as she went. I could only give a weak smile. My jinx continues!!
Raj stepped in to my cubicle and said “Hey lady, I am having a birthday party for my two year old daughter this saturday. I would be very happy if you could come.” Just then, thunder clapped outside and it started to rain. Talk about bad omen. Three cubicles away someone shouted in to the phone,
You dare not come!!”
“You know what Raj, I am going to be out of station. Sorry yaar, probably I can meet her later some day.” From my boss’s cubicle I could hear a sentence “Never gonna happen”.
Did I say I am not good with kids?
When u
Inspiration
“Why has it been a long time since you wrote?” asked Rahul. With one leg crossed over another and leaning over the cubicle wall, hands over the wall, free to do whatever they want. Typical Rahul stance, when he wants to have a deep conversation.
“‘cuse me?” I said, looking up at him. He has this wavy black hair that always bounces in a rhythmic way. He was not the most handsome of persons I knew, but still, there was a real captivating beauty in his eyes.
“I, asked you” He said looking in to my eyes, “Why has it been a long time since you wrote? Was that a toughie, dear?”
“Well…” I let out a sigh, “hmmm, I seem to be having some sort of creative block, which needs a spark. Nothing ever interesting happens around me that inspires me to write.
“Bull, I don’t buy that reason from you. When was the last time you stood up from that stupid chair you have been sitting for the last 4 hours, 30 mins, 24 seconds?” he said as if he had stood there with a stop watch in his hand.
“Oh no you don’t, I am not playing the game. I have got lots of work to do now, so buzz off and ponder your thoughts some where else”
“Come on you big monotonous dodo, lets go for a smoke. Let me explain to you how to sift through normality to find real diamonds of inspiration” he said. There was a bright twinkle in his eye.
“I don’t smoke.” I continued the furious typing which had been interrupted earlier by this question. He looked at me for a fraction of a second.
“Yeah yeah, you never do all the blessed things on earth. Just come” he said doing a windows + L and practically dragging me out.
“There, is a guy talking on the phone. What do you make of him” he asked me. I was lost in my own coding world, which was rather rudely shut off by his enthusiasm.
“Huh, I see that he is talking to someone!!!???” I said with a tinge of irritation.
“Ofcourse he is talking to someone, you only see what you want to see. I see that he is conspiring to throw this computer world in to a tizzy but releasing a dangerous virus using the company’s system by the night.” He said, as a matter of fact.
“What? How? Who! Huh???” I stopped dead on my track and looked at him. Then realization dawned on my face. “Whatever!” I walked off to one of the benches under the tree.
“Come on! Play along…” Lighting a match to his ciggy. I watched his deft fingers holding the cigarette lithely as he puffed away. I wondered why his lips weren’t black like others from smoking.
“Alright, after coding for hours for a virus, he is now talking to a bidder to sell off his creation. That’s why he is talking.”
“Great, Go ahead”, he said, leaning on the tree, crossed legged.
“And when he goes inside, he would do a round of testing, and released it in a small IM server to see if it does its work. As he prepares for, he accidently sends the virus to his Client’s server, where it downs tons and tons of production data.”
“and… and..” I started to rant on and on. He stood there listening to my story and watching me speak. His eyes dart to between my eyes to study the excitement in my face.
“Ok! Time out. I got to go and work. There you go. A good story. Start writing and send me the first draft. Lets go!” he said.
“Wha… hey come back. I haven’t finished it yet. There is this great twist in the story…” I shouted, as I ran after him.
“Yes I know that this will turn out to be an 18 part series with all known and unknown twists and turns and that you have enough creativity to keep the audience spell bound. I knew you would see through it and get an inspiration. That’s what I told you. You only see what you want to see.” He gave me his golden smile with a twinkle in his eyes.
I smiled which eventually turned in to a foolish grin.
7:42
7:42
1
In the dullness of the surrounding, one or two comps blink with a rapid rush of keys. The mood is perfectly sober. It looks like it has been devoid of earthly feelings. Still, there is the sound of people working feverishly at their comps. If I listen carefully, there are a few chit chats going on. In one corner of my mind, a timer has started counting the time elapsed until next transport. I have come to the point, where I have all browsed. There are 10 windows, of work, of mails, chats and of more work. There is a growing restlessness that leads me to believe I don’t want to go home and I hate the travel. But there is this heart that longs for the warmth of my cozy bed in the dark room. Suddenly my mind fills with the thoughts of work that needs to be done in the next 15 min before I can take a break from the perfectly crazy world. There is a sudden rumination of thoughts about being in the Barbados, with the sun sand and the beach. I mentally make a note to visit that place at least once in my life time. This thought is promptly filed under places to see. Once again my hand involuntarily switches between more windows, aimlessly waiting for the timer to expire. At this point I get up, take a look around to see a fresh life. The eerie light of the tube light surrounds me in this dim world, where I keep loosing track of my time, life and my breath. The alarm goes off in my brain. A distant mobile, rings. I do CTRL, ALT DEL and walk with a losing stride. The only thought in my mind right now is Sleep!
2
Sun is already attacking me with its fierce rays. I look at the time. 7.10 am. My bus is due at 7.40. I run through my chores and head out to the bus stand. Just as I reach, the bus is seen as a distant square with smoke. I look at my watch. 7.42 AM. It strikes me that I had completed my work at exactly 7.42 pm last night missing the 7.20 and waiting endlessly for the 8.20 bus. My face perspires with sweat and despair. I frustratedly look at the crowded MTC is snaking it way in to the crowd. Damn 7.42!!
3
I am shaken by the coincidence of the time. It is noon. I create a task in my mind to catch the 7.20 bus today. I need to break the jinx. The work is getting piled up in a corner. I never look up from my computer. The energy of the people around me swells and ebbs as I sit unnerved by the happenings around me. I look up at the clock at my desk. 6.50 pm. Good, I think I will make it today. I take my first coffee break for the day. I head out to the smoking zone to do some passive nicotine inhaling. My spirits lift up. As I come back to close down, my OC pings me. Greetings and blah blah.. My code is not working. We keep discussing. We end up deciding tomorrow will be the best time to work on it. Relieved for a moment, realisation hits me. I look up. 7.42 pm! Damn!!
4
I notice that a dangerous pattern has evolved. Disaster at 7.42! I print a huge sign saying; I am hit with 7.42 syndrome and hang it outside my cubicle. People think I am crazy. I decide I need to break the jinx very badly. 1.34 pm. I write "the devil sits here" on my white board with an arrow towards my chair. I walk up to my pm and ask off for rest of the day. I start from office. I decided that I will hit the beach. I take the bus and go in to blissful sleep. With a start, I wake up to see the conductor staring at my face. "Dude you have reached the last bus stop.".. Time 2.47 pm. I panic and get off. I enquire around and find out the next bus to my place is at 3.15 pm. I walk around the bus stop, peering at random shops like a zombie. I get on to my bus and start home. I go in to blissful sleep again. This time I wake up in front of my office. Damn. I get down and enter. Time is 5.26 pm. I start coding again, but sleep overcomes. I am snoring away on my keyboard. A distant mobile rings. I wake up..7.42 pm!
5
I highlight the words by red marker on my signboard which says 7.42 syndrome. My pm sees my face and gives me the rest of the week off. I get out of office, dutifully catch an auto home. I pack my bag and walk to the railway station. After the 5th train has passed, I decide to board the local to egmore. Time 12.01 pm. I have my lunch. I buy an available ticket to a station I never knew existed. I buy a murder mystery novel from a trolley and settle down in one of those numerous steel chairs. The call comes through for my train. I look at the board, verify the platform, locate the train and my seat. I continue reading my book. An announcement comes over the speaker.” All trains have been cancelled due to bad weather. 7.42 am will be the tentative...." I faint. Last thing on my mind is the time 7.42 am.
6
My parents look at my face. "There is nothing wrong with you.. But you were unconscious for 12 hours. They didn’t know what to do.. It was as if you slipped in to coma." The syndrome I tell them. They look at my face blankly. I tell them I am jinxed. They say nothing wrong with me. I slip in to unconsciousness. I wake up to the smell of menthol. I seriously contemplate running away to Barbados. I think where I have heard about that place. An alarm goes off. I look over to find the clock at 7.42 pm. I scream full throated. The nurse comes around with an injection.
7
“He used to have a signboard which said "7.42 syndrome" we never knew why. Poor chap. Look at him sitting in that room. Looking so normal, yet so crazy that, they had to admit him to a mental asylum. Sigh!! Hmm lets go. Hey look, time is 7.42 pm. strange coincidence. Wonder why that drives him nuts…..”
-End-
The Memory of the apple pie
"Could you please pass the pie?
With sugar sprinkled apple coat,
It's not so much trouble, right?
Could you please pass the pie?"
Raspberry bushes grow underneath
The big apple tree,
In the meadows, as i sat, I asked,
"Could you please pass the pie?"
A flowery cloth spread on the grass,
With sandwiches and juices to go,
With a little sunshine, a little wind, i said
"Could you please pass the pie?"
The look he gave, was electrifying,
The hand so soft, as he passed the pie,
The first of many wonderful memories,
Came rushing back at me, as i said,
"For the umpteenth time,
Are you gonna pass the pie or not?"
Two minute heaven
Morning when I get up, I spend exactly two minutes, to catch up on my “extra” sleep before my mom shouts at me. That’s heaven.
I wake up, give a warm hug, two minutes, my mom sends me off to get ready for office. That’s heaven
A quick hi to dad and get in to daily chores. Amidst the cacophony of morning business, I spend two minutes, cutting any veggies, gossiping with mom. Heaven
After a bath, run to office, a quick flying kiss to parents and off I go. Heaven
In the bus stand, I spend two minutes, smiling at known faces. Catch up a word, before the bus comes. Heaven
Come to office , a smile and a good morning at the security inspector. Heaven
One fave song in radio half heard on the way to building. Heaven
Enter cubicle, warm wishes to project mates. Two minutes heaven
Another two minutes reading to junk mail from closest friends. Stupid conversations. Heaven
Taking break from busy work. Lying back in the chair staring at the ceiling thinking of nothing. Heaven
Lunch. Two minutes spent scolding friends to come to lunch table on time. Heaven
Back to work, two minutes that I get pulling my project mates leg. Heaven
Two minutes spent on more stupid mails.. Heavenly
Two minutes spent on the way back to bus, listening to fave song. Heaven
Two minutes spent looking outside the window, admiring nature on the way home. Heaven
Enter home, quick wave to all.. two minutes.. heaven
Family dinner, two minutes spent on describing a “bad” day gone by. Heaven
Two minutes, spent haggling over the remote with father, settling down to watch a soap.. Heaven
Two minutes, quick good night kisses, back to bed. Heaven
Two minutes, last minute stupid smses from friends.. Bringing a smile – Priceless!
Dueling with Life
You would have obviously wondered about life at some point of time in your …Life.. Well.. I have too. Let me not turn this in to an autobiography. It’s just that I am really frustrated with it and awed by it. I perceive life as a human with its own emotion and mind that constantly fights with us, in a duel. Yes you heard me right.. a duel, the kind of sport, where people fight with swords?? Get the picture? Well.. We are constantly in some fight of the other and you know what? There is no end to this fight. Ofcourse, the only end, is death, but lets not get in to those morbid details now. Its all about the duel. There is nothing fair about this fight. Life often fights back in various forms, perceiving every advantage it has. We on the other hand have one sword, body, mind and heart. That’s it. Ofcourse, Life plays cruel tricks on us, like vanishing in to thin air, sometimes substituting our sword with a blunt one or taking draconian shapes and form to scare the bejesus out of us. One moment, life stops fighting and holds up the truce flag. That’s when you think you have won the fight and take a nap. The joke is on you, because that is when it comes up with ever cruel plan of cutting your throat when you sleep. Most people are built for handling this kind of pressure. But some can’t face the music and surrender. Me? Well.. I am fighting still fighting.. Life gives me blow after blow shaking the daylights out of me, but I bounce back. At least I know I will.. The duel continues, until death. The funny thing here is when life is dead, you are dead. So is the fight! So you fight life, not kill it. In the end, it doesn’t matter who wins, all that matters, is that you survived!!
Engeyo Ketta kadhai - tamil
One more from me
Vaazhkai Chakkaram
Please forgive me if there are any mistakes.
